My dear daughter,
I’m going to break this to you right away – your father has Asperger’s Syndrome. It’s an autism spectrum disorder. I’m a high functioning autist.
That means I have some repetitive behaviors, I tend to use overelaborated language, I’m not very keen on perceiving emotional clues in conversations or in the environment (unless I am actively paying attention to them), I usually rely heavily on reason, rather than emotion, I’m uncomfortable looking people in the eye and I’m uncomfortable talking to people I don’t know well (actually I’m uncomfortable with most people, even friends). I prefer to avoid social events, I hate being in crowds and loud environments and I abhor loud people. I prefer to talk the strictly necessary and I choose my words carefully. I calculate my words. When I can’t, I stutter.
Sometimes I’m a perfectionist, other times I find it hard to keep focus on things I find uninteresting. I have obsessive interests from time to time. Some are permanent. My favorite subjects are physics, cosmology, mathematics, political science, primatology, evolution, cytology, philosophy, anthropology, neuroscience, archeology, history, computer science, chemistry, zoology, skepticism, behavioral science, religion and atheism. You can include some applied Maths like economy, propulsion, etc. Aside from sciences, I love art, fantasy, science fiction, role playing games, videogames and martial arts.
I have to admit I’m smarter than average. I’m done assuming everybody else is smarter than me. I also have better memory than average, I can achieve a very high level of focus and I’m a fast learner, mainly for languages. I like spoken languages and linguistics. Philology, semiotics. It’s all very interesting.
Nowadays I deal very comfortably with Asperger’s. It wasn’t always so. I was somehow different since early childhood. I can remember most things from my childhood, going back to the days I was a baby. I have memories from when I was your age.
Teachers at kindergarten reported I had speech difficulties. But once I learned how to read and write I started using far-fetched language. I was an avid reader from the start. Everything I could put my hands on, like newspapers or magazines at home. There were some books at home. But I’ve always loved comic books. Comics played a major role in improving my reading and overall culture. I also liked to imitate comic book’s art. I’ve always loved drawing.
I’ve always had mannerisms and a sort of stiff way of standing and walking. Like a robot or Mr. Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation. And the main issue which has impaired my life the most, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD or TOC in Portuguese – transtorno obsessivo-compulsivo).
As most OCD patients, I did what I could to hide my rituals. I knew there was something wrong with me, but couldn’t do much about it. There were times I could control myself a little better and there were times it struck hard.
Your grandparents didn’t have enough knowledge about OCD or Asperger’s, they just thought I was peculiar, perhaps due to being too good at school; some kind of geek or nerd. I also tried to hide my OCD from view and my Asperger’s isn’t that bad. It’s a wide spectrum, a range of autism intensity, and I could go unnoticed most times. There are cases much more severe where people can’t really communicate or interact socially, or are severely affected by environmental stimuli.
So I don’t blame my parents for not finding out sooner, for not taking me to a psychiatrist or psychologist when I was younger. At a glance I was a regular boy and it is really hard for parents to admit something could be wrong with their children. Parents tend to blame themselves for everything.
Nowadays there is a tendency to accept less severe cases of autism simply as a different kind of behavior, a different view on life and day to day interactions. As autism awareness grew in public consciousness, the number of diagnosed cases also grew. Close to 2% of the overall population could have autism spectrum disorder, according to estimates.
Your mother helped with my diagnosis. While we were dating there was no way I could hide my OCD from her for too long. She encouraged me to seek help, to have a better, healthier life. My anxiety brought me great stress and kept me from activities which could trigger it. At her request, I went to a psychiatrist, where my OCD was promptly diagnosed. Then I started behavioral therapy with a good psychologist. She specialized in children with autism and soon noticed several symptoms of Asperger’s. In fact, Asperger’s always comes with OCD. My therapist didn’t notice it right away because, at 30 years old, I had already instinctively learned to adapt and try to act “normal” as best as I could.
But then she tested me and confirmed I was an “aspie”. Two other psychiatrists confirmed the diagnosis. And a new world opened before my eyes, because knowledge is everything. Self-knowledge is a game changer. We’ll talk more about this.
Love,
Dad
Aspergers Dad 