My dear daughter,
Because of my Asperger’s syndrome, it was of great help learning about cold reading, body language, lie detecting and facial expressions and cues. It was almost life changing. In fact, that kind of knowledge can be useful to anyone, no matter the profession or occupation.
I have difficulty paying attention to people’s expressions. Most of the time I’m not the least concerned about their expressions. The concept of a person having a personal reaction to something I have said or done didn’t come naturally to me. It’s as if only what I thought mattered in any situation. I think I assumed everyone felt the same as me or understood a situation the same way I did. In my head, if I could rationally draw a conclusion about something, everybody would draw the same conclusion. Or if I was pleased with the rationale of an argument, everybody else should be.
It turns out I couldn’t be more wrong, and it took me some 30 years to find out. Luckily you are much smarter and perceptive than me and you won’t have to go through all the trouble I had to.
What is obvious to me isn’t always obvious to other people. And usually matters of emotional perception are not readily obvious to me either.
People often hide the truth or their true feelings in social interactions, for reasons of safeguard mostly, but also for wanton deception.
Cooperation and trust were the basis of our nomad groups in the distant past, so lying is not something the brain does naturally. It’s a complex act – parts of the brain are aware of the lie, and other parts are tasked with building the fictional narrative and trying to make it look real or believable.
Therefore, people usually get nervous when they’re lying. They will activate ticks, mannerisms, they will act nervous somehow. The speech will change, maybe talking speed, they might stutter, get a sentence wrong, misspell some words. Intonation might change. It is said people usually look up to the right while lying, but it isn’t always the case. They might attempt to hide their mouths, parts of the face. Turn away from you. If a story seems too rehearsed, probably it really was. If it doesn’t change a word with each recollection, it’s almost certainly a lie. You might also notice tensed muscles, tensed shoulders, anxiety.
Sometimes a minute movement of the head, upside down as if saying “yes”, when they should actually be denying something, might indicate a lie.
Some of these claims have been scientifically proved and are even accepted in courts. There are many books nowadays on the subject.
It’s important to know how to tell a lie in a society where you can only succeed at the expense of others, where freeloaders get rewarded. People might lie about the most unbelievable things, if they think it will get them some advantage.
And there is also the matter of body language. People usually stand turned to someone they like. Or they turn their feet towards someone they like.
They nod during a conversation if they identify with the speaker or if there is sexual attraction involved. They also cross their arms and legs to indicate a dislike. They touch the arms or backs or stand pretty close if they have been intimate or want to be intimate, and there might be lots of eye contact. On the other hand, it’s not hard to notice when a person detests another.
To a good reader, a simple glance might indicate something a person is thinking of. When asked about something, a person might first answer with her eyes. The smallest contraction of a facial muscle might reveal an intention.
That kind of knowledge used to be the domain of magicians, illusionists, mediums, spiritualists, mentalists, circus people in general, religious leaders and charlatans. Nowadays they are valuable tools to investigators, lawyers, behaviorists, psychologists, doctors, negotiators and everyone concerned with not being deceived in social interactions.
Love,
Dad
Aspergers Dad 